2.05.2014

Body as a Tether, 2.14


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It's nice to be back on here, blogging again. It seems that each time I've written a new post (many months parting each one), I've promised that things will be different this time, there will be consistency in my writings. It's taken me awhile to discover, while I may be hoping that the words I'm writing will stay true, life doesn't always work that way. 
This past year has been one focused on growth. Training my thoughts and words to be kinder, more loving. Yes, to others, but also to myself. 
Style blogging is very difficult for me. Snapping photos, editing, writing; this is not the part I struggle with. Having to look at myself through images, eyes clouded with prejudgement of what I should look like, what I don't look like. These are my troubles. I fat shame myself to the ends of earth for the smallest things. My thighs are too wide. My arms are not thin enough. Thigh gaps. Fucking thigh gaps.
My body has been morphing over the past few years, a tree shedding and growing leaves with the changing of seasons. From average, to thin, back up to average. What I choose to consider "fat" when looking at myself. Show me anyone else the same size and I'll tell you that person is beautiful. That woman is perfect. Yet when I look into a mirror, my body morphs into a different form, one I am shameful of. One that I'm afraid to share with others. I've been too self conscious this past year to post images of myself. So I used this time to change my perspective.
I needed this break from blogging. In these months, the self hate I've held for so long has been quieted by words of love and compassion. You're beautiful just as you are, I tell myself. Your thighs are beautiful. Your arms are beautiful. And more importantly, my body is not a reflection of my soul. I need not be so bound by fears of image. How others perceive me, how I perceive myself. 
Things are better now though my thoughts aren't perfect. Surrounded all our lives by media, which tells us how we ought to look if we want to be beautiful, it's hard to replace the old with new thoughts of positivity, acceptance. 
Yet I'm trying. I'm retraining my thoughts. I'm taking care of my body for healths sake, done with attempts to be "thin". I have naturally curvy thighs and hips. I'm ready to accept that.

I know this is something many women struggle with. I hope that if you're reading this, my words resonate with you. Medias negative portrayal of females is expansive. While it would be nearly impossible to change all of that, one this is for certain. Our minds can be transformed to view ourselves and other females as beautiful, just as we are.

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These photos were taken in the front yard of my new apartment. I now live with my boyfriend in San Anselmo, a quaint town that is coated in sunlight, flowers and bay trees. My favorite place I've ever lived.
Thanks to Mart of China for this sweater, it has become a staple in my closet. I have to force myself not to wear it everyday.
scarf, secondhand // sweater, c.o. mart of china // velvet dress, u.o (old) // roper boots, secondhand, ebay
I love all of you, and hope to be sharing my thoughts with you as the year moves forward. Thanks for taking the time to read.

6 comments:

  1. you are beautiful, you look beautiful, and most importantly the words you have shared will help people believe that they, too, are beautiful! love you, danielle! xx


    High-Stitched Voice

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  2. This particular subject is tough on anyone, I think, and it takes a lot of courage to speak up. Thanks for writing this. And you are beautiful. xoxo

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  3. You're the only blogger who, when I see you have posted something new, I feel as though my day will be x100 better. Thanks for being a ray of realistic sunshine!

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  4. First of all, you're so beautiful, and I think your body is a lovely size. And your outfit is too cute. I'm so happy to see that you've posted today, I've really missed your blogging! But, your post is exactly everything I think about myself, my own personal issue, put into words perfectly. Yes, I know I'm not "fat", and when I see others my size, I think they are beautiful. But when I look at my photos that I take for my blog, and when I look at myself in the mirror I just see a fat, disgusting person. I did get thin for a little while through healthy dieting and exercise, but now I'm back where I started, and I'm actually at the point where I won't wear jeans or shorts anymore, jeans because they outline my legs and I don't have a thigh gap and when I wear them I constantly feel like people aren't looking at me they're just staring at how fat my legs are, and shorts because I have a bit of cellulite, and I am most ashamed of that. I also won't allow myself to go to the beach because of the cellulite thing and because when I sit my stomach folds.....and I live in Florida. I'm also on my second day of water fasting (who am I kidding, everyone who's ever water fasted just knows thats not a fast or a detox or whatever you wanna call it, it's a secret term for starving yourself) and I'm miserable but I'm just at the point where I don't care anymore. I can't even talk about these problems to my close friends and family anymore, but they just continue to tell me "you're not fat!" "your size is perfect!" and things like that, and I know they just think I'm fishing for compliments, when really it's actually a problem, and some people fail to believe that a person who is not overweight but thinks they are is something that exists in our society. And, of course, since we all love fashion here, we've looked at our fair share of beautiful, perfect, skinny models so that makes the problem that much worse! I try to look at photos of what society considers "thicker" actresses like Scarlett Johansson and Jennifer Lawrence and when I think about it, aren't they the most beautiful? They are such desirable women, and they're naturally sexy, because honestly, I think they're bodies are perfect, and they're so beautiful. Even when I talk to guys, they'll all agree that a woman with curves is more desirable and better looking. So I don't understand why I and so many other lovely ladies including you have a problem with our bodies when there is nothing wrong, and we just continue to worry. It's sad that society has created this issue, and as much as we try, it's sometimes just hard to get over.

    Sorry I just wrote a long rant here, but thank you so much for writing this...and don't forget that you're beautiful! :)

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  5. I really appreciated your thoughts in this post. You are beautiful and lovely. It is so important to keep fighting the misconceptions on what "beauty" is and seeing the whole picture!

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  6. I loveee your thighs! In high school, I wished to have big yet toned, round thighs like yours, but it never happened. Now, my thighs are still the same, imperfectly rounded (fat above, gap in the middle, knees touch), but it doesn't bother me even though it's not flattering at all. Keep up the fantastic blogging! You inspire me, Danielle.

    Ellen
    theleatherfraction.blogspot.com

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Thank you for taking the time to read and comment, it means so much! Have a beautiful day.