* * *
It's nice to be back on here, blogging again. It seems that each time I've written a new post (many months parting each one), I've promised that things will be different this time, there will be consistency in my writings. It's taken me awhile to discover, while I may be hoping that the words I'm writing will stay true, life doesn't always work that way.
This past year has been one focused on growth. Training my thoughts and words to be kinder, more loving. Yes, to others, but also to myself.
Style blogging is very difficult for me. Snapping photos, editing, writing; this is not the part I struggle with. Having to look at myself through images, eyes clouded with prejudgement of what I should look like, what I don't look like. These are my troubles. I fat shame myself to the ends of earth for the smallest things. My thighs are too wide. My arms are not thin enough. Thigh gaps. Fucking thigh gaps.
My body has been morphing over the past few years, a tree shedding and growing leaves with the changing of seasons. From average, to thin, back up to average. What I choose to consider "fat" when looking at myself. Show me anyone else the same size and I'll tell you that person is beautiful. That woman is perfect. Yet when I look into a mirror, my body morphs into a different form, one I am shameful of. One that I'm afraid to share with others. I've been too self conscious this past year to post images of myself. So I used this time to change my perspective.
I needed this break from blogging. In these months, the self hate I've held for so long has been quieted by words of love and compassion. You're beautiful just as you are, I tell myself. Your thighs are beautiful. Your arms are beautiful. And more importantly, my body is not a reflection of my soul. I need not be so bound by fears of image. How others perceive me, how I perceive myself.
Things are better now though my thoughts aren't perfect. Surrounded all our lives by media, which tells us how we ought to look if we want to be beautiful, it's hard to replace the old with new thoughts of positivity, acceptance.
Yet I'm trying. I'm retraining my thoughts. I'm taking care of my body for healths sake, done with attempts to be "thin". I have naturally curvy thighs and hips. I'm ready to accept that.
I know this is something many women struggle with. I hope that if you're reading this, my words resonate with you. Medias negative portrayal of females is expansive. While it would be nearly impossible to change all of that, one this is for certain. Our minds can be transformed to view ourselves and other females as beautiful, just as we are.
* * *
These photos were taken in the front yard of my new apartment. I now live with my boyfriend in San Anselmo, a quaint town that is coated in sunlight, flowers and bay trees. My favorite place I've ever lived.
Thanks to Mart of China for this sweater, it has become a staple in my closet. I have to force myself not to wear it everyday.
scarf, secondhand // sweater, c.o. mart of china // velvet dress, u.o (old) // roper boots, secondhand, ebay
I love all of you, and hope to be sharing my thoughts with you as the year moves forward. Thanks for taking the time to read.