perfect, such a thing?

so often i spend my writing time editing, going back, re-reading, "perfecting", in an attempt to reach an end result that is not my real truth. instead of blurting out the words onto pages that form so fluidly in my mind, I go back, slash, cut, and paste, reading over and over and over, I try to rearrange these lines and shapes into forms that sound like poetry, whatever that means. but isn't the real truth in the way my fingers hit these keys the first time? there's so much potency in words, especially unedited. the raw thought, in its simplest form. what if I were to leave it as that, and just that, nothing else? before it would have felt that my world was sure to collapse, though now it leaves behind a sense of peace. an honesty I could never achieve before. so here it is, my words and thoughts as they came into my mind, sprawled onto this page.
it seems a large part of the reason I've committed, lacked consistency, and recommitted to this blog has to do with that obsessive need for perfection. at this point I'm ready to say screw it, and let the words fall as they're supposed to, not as I imagine or desire them to. things turn out much clearer and kinder when I'm not molding them to be an image that's fabricated.



there's not many words I can find to begin this spell of words other than: hello, and wow. my goodness. it has been far too long.
the amount of change and abundance in love I had felt these past few months is exasperating — I've gone through the ringer with my health (all is fine now) which has left me feeling disenchanted with my old ways of thinking. no longer are the small tiffs that consumed my thoughts important, nor worthy of my time. no longer do I want to pass by the stranger sitting on the ground with a turned head. rather I'd like to smile, say hello, show warmth and welcome. I want to express to others how grateful I am to be alive, here, and present in this moment. I want to focus on the big things, not the miniscule. big in the sense of bigger than myself. spreading awareness, compassion, acceptance for all — I can't imagine doing anything better with my time. also big in the sense of letting go of fears, welcoming in creativity, and putting pen to paper, or brush to canvas. 
passion has been ignited in me once again and I am forever grateful to these deep feelings of desire to create. I know not everyone has them. for that I feel I must listen to that feeling and just do it without expecting validation or anything in return. it can take many forms: photographs, paintings, crafts, mixed media, and words. 
words. words are the form I fall back to most often, though I don't often share them with others. it's something I am working towards, though I'll continue with one less-private form, of this blog. I'm moving away from the old blog I had, and thinking of new names for it. there's a shift that has occurred within me, which pulls me towards a different idea and longing. directing the camera at my face is no longer desirable the way it used to be — though there will always be some of that, there's so much more I want to share. I am more than the clothes on my skin and the shoes on my feet. and I would like to release and show that.


bear valley, open air

some old photographs from a hike I did at the beginning of this summer out at bear valley. I've been away from social media for some time, as these past few months have been filled with such immense change. I've felt pain, sadness, sincere happiness and joy, and all the feelings between. but what I've felt the most in these few months is a change within myself. my true self, my soul, my joy, has peeked through from behind the walls I've built since childhood. these emotions are so new and foreign to my adult life, though they feel strangely familiar. familiar in a way that tells me, this is exactly where I am supposed to be. and this is exactly the person I have always been, deep within. it's so easy to live with a false identity, showing the outside world what we think we should be, stomping the flame of our souls true passion and desire.
by no means have I found the calling of life. but what I have found is a road that is slowly leading me towards that day where my heart fully opens, and I am able to let the light in. these past few months have led to a change. the handle has been turned, and the door has begun to crack open. some beams of light have begun to shine in. and I am so excited to keep walking down this path, discovering each day another piece of myself that was buried so long ago.
with gratitude,
danielle ♥